pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Randomize
