careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
