You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm at about main and main street
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
