I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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