I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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