ya dads aren't the best wingmen
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You are the jesus of drinking
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
