Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
