were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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