Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
