I skipped work to stalk him.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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