apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
