i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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