bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
