cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
