he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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