get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She told me I should be a condom model.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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