I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
