barbara walters just said penis...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
