By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
the raccoons are back...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize