I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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