She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
