So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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