the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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