Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
