i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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