John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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