Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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