Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
two words...techno handjob
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize