I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
