mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
