I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize