So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
