I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
