I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
