Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
