if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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