I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
