My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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