i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
