You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
