Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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