I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
