I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
