I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
