u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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