Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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