just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
