The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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