I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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