her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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