32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
