He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
