my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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