sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize