maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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