A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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